Sunday, October 31, 2010

Recap: Oh look its Amanda! She's back!

You know what I have been single for nearly two years now and I just can't fathom getting trapped in a relationship again. I lost who I was, why do anything when my boyfriend was always doing it for me?

And then when I dropped him off at the airport as we departed for the last time and he flew back to Australia I had to drive in a Blizzard, on the right side of the road through a major city and fuck me.. that was hard.


I drove across USA by myself including some of the most difficult freeways coming from outback Australia TERRIFYING. I fixed any minor things on the car by myself. I drove in New York City in the middle of rush hour & survived. I pushed myself to be a better snowboarder finally taking on a double black something I thought I would never be able to do!

I fine tuned my 4WD skills and snake catching ability.

I opened up and suddenly made friends all over the world. I drink beer now. I eat every kind of seafood under the sun. I drank snake liquor.

I went camping in the middle of bear country, ALONE because I wasn't going to rely on anyone. (granted I slept in the back of my jeep because I was scared of the bears and very stoned & paranoid.)

I crossed the mexican border and drove through mexico to a campsite full of people Id never met before on a beach where I met some of the most amazing people.

I caught my own fish, baited my hooks, unhooked them and then gutted them WITHOUT GLOVES. Every painful cut and graze reminds me of this accomplishment.

I lived.

How could I even go back to the life I had? I've rediscovered myself. I'm so scared if I end up back in a relationship once again I will fade away. I like the freedom of knowing one day I can pack up my stuff and just leave.

My Beliefs

Once upon a time I used to think I was an athiest. I hated the idea of organised religion and the people who seemed to follow it blindly. Perhaps now my vision has changed and I am merely agnostic.

I honestly couldn't care less if there was a higher being. People say that there has to be a higher power because how else would earth exist somebody had to create it. Seriously though if someone created earth who created that someone? The idea of needing a reason for existence always seemed a little pointless to me but hey why can't we just exist?

Anyway that aside I'm a big fan on faith. Whatever makes you happy as a person and keeps you loving life and being a good person then how can it be bad? Its when you force your beliefs on myself or others that it begins to bug me.

In the end, I do believe in Karma. I think the idea that you surround yourself with good people and do good things then good things will happen to you. I try to be positive and help out where I can.

And my overall belief? Life. Believe in Life. If your not happy it doesn't matter what your religion is you need to change to something that makes you happy. As long as your not hurting anyone then everything is fine.

Monday, October 4, 2010

A moment, in great detail

It was 12:30pm and I was driving back to Darwin after a successful camping trip to Kakadu National Park. My boyfriend sits beside me and I grasp the wheel of my Toyota Corolla. Detour the sign says and I took it. Its a bit of a sketchy road with tarmac & dirt patches. There is plenty of traffic. I am doing about 90km/h

The Moment

I go over a small hill and hit a dirt patch and suddenly lose control of the vehicle Brendan yells "what are you doing" and the corolla swerves dangerously around the road. I panic scared that I will roll my car and try to control the slide whilst slowly pumping the brake. My car turns and I move into opposing traffic doing 360s in my car till I end up falling into a shallow ditch on the wrong side of the road.

The dust settles and Im still sitting there fear in my eyes as the cars speed by. Im surrounded by trees and traffic and yet somehow even though I did at least two consecutive 360s across opposing traffic into the bush Im alive. I didnt hit anything but a soft mound of dirt. Nobody is hurt, not even a scratch on the car.

"Im driving" Says Brendan.